The only thing I know is that I will not blame myself for what I have done and for what I wish I did and did not do. I always want to live my life without regret for not doing something. That is why I enjoy my present moment to the max every time I have the opportunity.
However, I was recently conversing with a friend, and we realized we were going by with life. Walking home after work and not even realizing how we got there in the first place. Driving to sites and not remembering if we stop at the stop sign or the red light. That is not the kind of life I want to live; that is not the type of future I envisioned for myself.
Lately, I have been looking at old pictures of myself, and I can not stop thinking of how hot and gorgeous I used to look. How happy and complete I saw in all those pictures. Then I read that during those times, I was also thinking about how my life used to be in the past. And, of course, I want to stop thinking that I had it all in the past and that, for some reason, I lost it all. I want to be present at this moment.
Therefore I took a medication class where we practiced mindfulness. We put our thoughts outside our heads and concentrate on breathing and the effect of it on our bodies. I could not help but overthink my entire life during those 20 minutes. It was hard for me to concentrate and focus on my breathing and my body. If you think meditation is easy, try to take medication for real.
At the end of the exercise, the instructor asked us to slowly open our eyes and think about something we were grateful for. I am still shocked that nothing came to my mind, and I am not blaming myself for anything. But a person like me such be grateful for so many things. I can start naming them individually and will fill out hundreds of pages. However, at that moment and time, there was nothing that I was grateful for.
This demonstrates that I am not on the right path in my life, that I feel that something is missing and that I am not where I am supposed to be or have the things that I am supposed to have. But who am I to know what I am supposed to be? I do not want to live a life full of expectations, but in reality, I have high expectations of myself, and that is how I keep going and growing in life.
I was so low at a point where I thought about reaching out to those people that hurt me the most in the past. My thought process took me to a dark place with dark people, and I did not even realize it. Why would I reach out to people who only have bad intentions for me? If, after all those years, things turned out the way they did, why would I think it would be different now if those people had not yet shown me that they have changed? I also do not want to live a life like that.
Therefore, I want to move towards a beautiful, light lifestyle instead of returning to a very dark place. I owe it to myself, too, the best version of me every day, to work on myself and for myself. I deserve to be happy and in a life that fulfills my heart. Therefore, it is within my power to create a lifestyle I am proud of, a life I would not even think much about, to name hundreds of things I am grateful for. I will never let my thought process, and past traumas take me to dark places where I feel worthless or do everything wrong because there is no template for how people should live. I am creating the life I want, so I should be able to shape it as my heart desires and be grateful for every little bit of it.
What about you?
With Love,
Denivez